Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Love my dad

A text conversation:

9:36 AM
Me: "Are you at your office right now? I am on campus."

9:53 AM
Me: "Nevermind. I just wanted to say hi, but I am on my way home now. Puffed rice soon?"

10:04 AM
Dad: "I went looking 4 puffed rice just yesterday 4 u, but went to the wrong store. We'll make some soon ~ as brain food for college professors, u & me! --Dadster"

Monday, August 1, 2011

My dream as a TV writer

Whenever I think about my future, I fantasize about my dream job writing comedy sketches with Tina Fey.

I have a plan which includes mailing Tina one of my scripts in an official-looking envelope with the word CONFIDENTIAL stamped in red across it. That way, she won't think it's fan mail. She will open it and find an amazing idea for a sketch to do on 30 Rock.

Here is a brief description:

Season 6 Episode 1 Miss Anti-Beauty

Jenna proudly wins first place in The Shallow Awards which prompts Liz to run for a New York beauty pageant called The Anti- Beauty Pageant. What she thinks is a feminist event liberating women from the archaic practice of beauty pageants actually turns out to be a pageant for the most unattractive middle class women of New York. When Tracy lets slip that Liz is entering a pageant, Jenna jealously signs up for the pageant too. Meanwhile, Jack reconnects with his younger dog-loving self when he agrees to be the voice on an animated movie featuring a jack russell terrier and his chihuahua backup singers. What he doesn't realize is that he has been cast as the dog-hating cat villain who seeks to destroy the dog's rise to stardom. Upset by the casting, Jack tries to ruin the movie to show the director that he should be top dog.

I really am going to write this skit. It will be spectacular. And when Tina opens her CONFIDENTIAL official-looking envelope to find this script, she is going to laugh her bossypants off and call to offer me a permanent position on 30 Rock.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

I have no response to that.

Kids really do say the darndest things. But so do my 18-year-old freshmen:

Mary-Lou: "How can I avoid using the word 'boobs' in my paper so often?"
Me: "Well, you might consider using 'breast' instead."

Tania: "I need you to treat me like a kindergartener."
Me: "Okay. Stop braiding Mary-Lou's hair."

Gertrude: "I am getting a colonoscopy on Monday."
Me: "Thanks for letting me know..."

Marcus: "Well, you might know about transitions, but I've seen a double rainbow."
Me: "Those actually exist?"
Marcus: "I will testify of it."

Jeff: "What's the difference between the wealthiest and the 43rd wealthiest person in America?"
Me: "42 people."

Teresa: "I like Elizabethan spelling and grammar better. Can I write 'thee' instead of 'you?'"
Me: "No, thou shalt not be permitted to write in such outdated fashion."

Me: "Give yourself a reading score on a scale of 0 to 5."
Greg: "5. Or 12. Whichever."
Shannon: "6."
Albert: ""
Stephanie: ""

Sometimes I wonder if my students all get together and plan on taking turns saying absurd things in class. What I should really be asking myself is, "What am I doing that makes them feel comfortable saying these things out loud?"

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Christmas Card in July

Dear loved ones and casual perusers,

Seasons greetings from the Peterson! That's right--the Peterson, not the Petersons. You know how hard it can be to get everyone in the family to submit their paragraphs* (darn those teenage girls on facebook)! I hope all my friends and family are doing well not to sunburn as you enjoy the weather around this holiday season. I, for one, have been working on my paleness and accomplishing so much more this year:

Rebecca (24) has been particularly peppy this summer. After a lazy spring term of taking one class about something literary she can't remember now and watching three re-run seasons of Ugly Betty on netflix while eating leftover Easter chocolate in bed, she awoke from her lazy-coma and started teaching again.

And what a teaching experience it has been! She has only insulted a handful (95% of the class) of students' writing and only had to talk to one student for manifesting a crush on her (gifts of candy, flirty winks, excessive emails with links to Justin Bieber music videos--just kidding on one of those). She really feels like she's reaching these students.

Besides teaching at BYU, Rebecca has impressed everyone in her ward as a Sunday School teacher by making sure to line up a substitute for herself every time she has a "headache," which is on a rotating schedule of every other Sunday.

Rebecca's dating life is especially exciting. Her boyfriend of two years invites her over almost weekly when she's showered to watch a movie of her choice to which she promptly falls asleep and drools a little.

Reading has also been a big part of her summer accomplishments. She spends what seems to be endless hours but is actually only about 25 seconds reading at the library almost every word on the back of the nearest self-help book.

Well, that's everything the Peterson has been up to! I just can't believe how the summer is flying by. Sometimes it seems like the construction workers and sprinkler attacks and mosquitos will last forever, but it's already slipping away. Here's to hoping your summer season goes just sizzlingly!

This is the best picture taken of me this year.

*Family members are welcome to submit their paragraphs in the comments section of this post. Please try not to brag, Blake.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

That Dreaded Phrase

Ever since I started this blog, I have made sure to post at least once a month. Well, today is the last day of May, so here is a post I constantly have stewing:

There is a certain phrase that makes me wince. I hear it in testimony meetings at church, in conversations as I walk across Brigham Square, and in my own living room. I have even heard the phrase come out of my own mouth. And I wince every time.

What is the phrase, you ask?

"Here at BYU"

"...especially here at BYU"
"you see [x] all the time here at BYU"
"we never worry about [x] here at BYU"

I don't know, the phrase "here at BYU" seems to assume so much about our community. It expects us to conform to a general, well-known trend even if we don't identify with it.

Sorry to bring it up; now that it's been pointed out, you will hear it everywhere--especially here at BYU.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

That Little Disney Miracle

Because I am so responsible, I went to Disneyland during BYU's reading days. I know what you are thinking... But I just HAD to, okay?

So here is something that happened when I was throwing all academic caution to the wind:

We stayed at Courtney and Meredith's aunt's house who lives half an hour away from Disneyland. The night before we went to the park, I woke up at 1 AM and had to run to the bathroom so I could puke up my dinner consumed 7 hours earlier.

I threw up twice and was shaking with full-body chills: the flu. I got the flu the night before Disneyland.

"That has got to be a whole lot of bad karma built up," I said.

Meredith brought me a blanket and I pathetically fell asleep while sitting on the bathroom floor. I threw up again and went back to the girls' sleeping room. We talked about how I would stay home in the morning and just have to come back to California later this year to use my already-purchased ticket. Too bad.

And here's the little miracle:

When I woke up again at 6:30 AM, I felt perfectly fine. I ate some toast and nothing came up. So I went! I rode the Peter Pan ride. I screamed my head off on Tower of Terror. I walked around the parks for 14 hours straight and sprayed on layer after layer of sunscreen (everywhere except my forgotten eyelids which are now bright pink and peeling). It was magical, and I was mysteriously and miraculously well enough to experience it.

So it turns out, that's actually some dang good karma. Or, as I said on the way to the park,

"It's a Disney miracle!"

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Things I am okay admitting

This is how I rank the loves in my life:

1. Jimmer. Noquestionlovelovelove.

2. Liz Lemon/Tina Fey

3. breakfast meats (sausage, bacon, etc)

4. Kyle

5. Korean potatoes from Sam Hawk's

6. my family and friends

7. books

8. The rest of the BYU basketball team

9. Hunger Games the movie 2012

10. blanket forts

11. the Talby experience


254. Public speaking

255. canned chicken

256. being corrected

257. posturing


562. Being attacked by someone in the shower a la Psycho

563. indie kids

564. gimmicks