Dear Santa, bring me a bouquet of newly-sharpened pencils

Have you ever been so excited for something that by the time it arrived, your enthusiasm was dissipated and in its place was sheer lethargy?

I was talking to my friend Lina today, who said that sometimes the two edges of life are boredom and overwhelming(edness). This is definitely a description of my life right now: A summer spent in boredom is turning into a fall of overwhelming(edness).

This summer, I learned the origin of the phrase "mountain of paperwork." Contrary to popular belief, this is NOT a figure of speech. It is a literal description of a stack of home alarm contracts that Pinnacle employees find on their desktops every morning. Monday through Friday, my coworkers and I would come into the office, greet each of our 3-feet-tall stacks (okay, they are more like bumps), and "climb" our way to the bottoms of the stacks. No wonder they call the company Pinnacle.

But this coming Monday, I start work as a grad student instructor at BYU. The stacks of papers will be much smaller, but far more engaging (I can dream, can't I?). I have been looking forward to this all summer--waiting and waiting and waiting--, but now I am not as excited. I feel like that bull behind the gate that gets so tired of waiting that it sluggishly slumps to the ground. And on top of that, I realize that I won't just be teaching. I will be a student again...Homework, tests, and lectures. Kill. Me. Now.

All I want to do is teach. Is it so wrong to start a two-year program with this attitude? Don't answer that.

"I felt instantly that for once it might be even more pleasant to entertain an audience than to be one of the crowd and bored." --HM Tomlinson, "Binding A Spell"

Sing it, HM-y.

The face of fake excitement

How eating cheese made me happy

Today, my body said that I wanted two slices of cheese instead of only the one slice that I had planned to eat. I had the reflex to tell my body "no, that's enough dairy for you!" But after tuning in to what my body really needed, I ate another slice. This felt good for two reasons: 1. I took time to listen to what my body wanted, and 2. I was able to overcome a silly mental food rule of "don't eat more than one slice."

A few years ago, I couldn't say that I would have listened to what my body needed. I would have said, "you absolutely cannot have that cheese," sent my body to a time-out, and not let it out of its room for at least an hour or until it apologized.

But the truth is that our bodies are intelligent organisms that are able to self-regulate the nutrients they need. For me, it comes to down to tuning in to what my body needs, to listen to what foods it needs to consume. In short, it comes down to eating intuitively.

I realized I needed to eat intuitively when I found myself counting calories, testing to see how long I could go without eating, and having food on my mind all the time (even when I wasn't eating). I was both obsessed and haunted by food measurements and rules: only eat half of what is on my plate, skip breakfast, eat in private but not in public, feel guilty with every bite, etc. There were these little food police in my head blowing their whistles every time I lifted a spoon or even eyed food.

It was all these destructive habits that convinced me that I needed to make peace with food.

Here's what helped:

-There was a class at BYU that taught intuitive eating. My roommates took the class with me and we were able to talk about our individual eating issues.

-Reading the Intuitive Eating book by Resche & Tribole.

-Practicing intuitive eating principles on a daily basis. My habits didn't make it necessary for me to see a nutrition counselor or go to an eating disorder center (though for some people this is most effective and I support that). But I definitely needed the principles to break the bad habits I had formed.

Motivation:

I thought that limiting my food intake was making me a better person. Subconsciously, I wanted to be the exception: the one who needed very little food to function. But in my efforts to be an exception, I was distracted from living my life. I was internally struggling so much that I wasn't able to focus on my daily tasks and my relationships.

But I found that when I gently nourish my body by eating intuitively, I am a better friend, daughter, and sister. I can listen better and I am less irritable. Things that seemed overwhelming when I wasn't eating (like schoolwork or callings) are more pleasurable when I am feeding myself. And most of all, I don't beat myself up all the time. I don't feel bad, guilty, or broken. Instead, I feel fed, happy, and educated.

So, I've called a truce with food. And my life is 100 times better for that white flag.

Resources:
-"Intuitive Eating" by Resche & Tribole
- http://intuitiveeating.com/
- http://centerforchange.com